Friday 22 July 2011

Ron Loves Hermione

This blog was going to be called ‘Why It’s Okay For A Man In His Mid-Thirties To Like Harry Potter’. But, as well as being a clunky title, it is also misleading. It shows me to be defensive from the off, as if I’m protesting innocence against some terrible accusation, a self-justifying polemic, railing against people who think I should be strung up for some horrible crime. There’s probably a blog somewhere that starts with the line ‘Why It’s Okay For A Man In His Mid-Thirties To Like Sex With River Mammals’.
But it isn’t like that. My fondness for the Harry Potter films isn’t a guilty secret and nothing that I’m remotely ashamed of. Oh yeah, there are people who may say that people who enjoy Harry Potter should grow up and watch/read something more adult, but these can be easily dismissed – the accusation often coming from some faux-intellectual bore, lacking in the self-awareness that their video game, film and TV choices hardly marks them out as someone exclusively seeking out adult forms of entertainment. Unless we count whacking off to filth in this definition of adult entertainment.
But, no, I’m not ashamed to like Harry Potter. And, as someone who will watch any old shit if it has a fantasy/medieval setting then it was inevitable that I’d be drawn into something set mainly in a gothic school of magic.
I’m also a bit weird, things fascinate me that shouldn’t, I become wrapped up in some things that would be considered unusual for a 36 year old man. However exciting the main storyline of Harry Potter versus Voldermort can be, why am I rather more interested in the sweet relationship between two fictional magic using teenagers? Why has a married, often grumpy, regularly misanthropic sourpuss become enchanted by the love relationship in a kid’s book?
Two reasons.
As a grumpy ginger haired teenager my relationships with the opposite sex varied between the non-existent and the frustratingly non-existent. Maybe there’s some hurt hidden deep down, something that makes me want to see a story where a grumpy ginge gets a loving girlfriend way out of his league. A useless victory for the young me. But also a great help for any young lad getting abuse at school because of his unusual hair colour.
I went through times as a teenager blaming my hair for any misfortune with ladies, and even though now I realise that was bullshit (my problems were down to a combination of a weird face and that I was a supercilious prick – also red is obviously the best hair colour), I still get unexpectedly annoyed if I hear an anti-ginger joke on TV. It can be hard for kids getting abuse for being different, and gingerism is the one I have experience of. The success of Ron Weasley with a pretty lady is a weapon against you light/dark haired haters of us flame haired wonders.
But as well as this, there’s something else. Behind the defensive barrier of a grumpy face spitting out sarcasm and swears is a soppy tosser: a drip who gets swept up in sweet romance between young people. In a film. It’s not even real.
But I still found myself giddy last night in the pay-off after 7 or 8 years of watching these films: the anticipation that Ron and Hermione would get together. And I found myself smiling when it happened, and tapping Hannah’s leg in excitement. Yes, get in you two crazy kids!

But, there is another reason why this blog isn’t really a defence in enjoying the world of Harry Potter. No, it’s because I intended it to be a review of the last film in the series. Yet it’s hard for me to look at them in isolation: either because of some ridiculous investment in the relationship between Ron and Hermione, or because the three main leads in the films seem to be such lovely people. Daniel Radcliffe for instance seems one of the sweetest people you could ever wish to meet. I can’t review it as a standalone piece of cinema because I enjoy more than what I see on screen.
And it’s why, even though large parts of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Pt2 disappointed me, I can’t give it a low mark. How can I give it a 5/10 when Ron and Hermione kiss in it? Or that it radiates nothing but a quaint, overtly British, sense of warmth.
But there are flaws:

Some pretty major characters die in this film. People you’ve come to know and like over 8 films. Their death should be traumatic, yet they are given so little screen time that it has upset many people who have seen the film. Even though the book was split into two films, HP 7 Pt2 has the shortest running time of any film since the first one. There was plenty of time to have shown the reaction to something so traumatic. But why didn’t they? Maybe as these films are viewed by a lot of children it was found that the deaths were too horrible for youngsters to handle. That’s a fair reason I guess but left many feeling short changed.

Ron spends the last half of the film effectively mute. In fact I can’t remember him speaking after the death of his brother. This could have been a deliberate choice, showing he was in shock. Yet he didn’t say anything when he felt his best friend was about to walk to his death, or even when in the mistaken belief that Harry had actually died. There were several silent scenes between the main three characters: pre traumatic encounter, post traumatic encounter, at the ending of the film and in the epilogue. All three staring into space or at each other, lots of meaning in the looks, yet after a while you just hoped one of them would voice what they were thinking. Speak Ron, speak! Hermione is just as bad. Speak girl!

The final battle between Harry Potter and Voldermort was played out without any witnesses. This was a mistake, as one of the running themes in the books/films has been that others (both adults and children) distrust Harry and think he is up to no good. Seeing him actually destroy evil in front of their eyes is vindication for all the hardship he’s received, so why change what happens in the book (apparently) and have this final battle played out without anyone around?

Also, you’ve spent one and a half films telling us about The Deathly Hallows. Why has it been jettisoned in the final half of the second film? What relevance do they have? I haven’t read the book, I need some help here. Does Harry have them all? What was the third one again, I’ve forgotten. Help me out here!

Why won’t Ron speak? Speak Ron! I actually think he has two lines in the last hour. This is my chief bugbear right now, I hadn’t even thought about it until 20 minutes ago and now I can’t think of anything else. Did he speak? Have I missed something? Why didn’t he speak? Gah!

I’m already looking forward to the blu-ray, which I hope will be an extra hour long and rectify all the faults I have with it. Maybe I’ll go watch it again, but this time in 3D. Maybe Ron speaks in 3D. Maybe his kiss with Hermione in 3D will make me cry in the cinema like a girl.

And even with all those problems, I’ll still give it a 7/10 because it’s Harry Potter isn’t it? Ron and Hermione kissed, Harry saved the day and I can’t be mean to those kids I’ve watched grow up and who have made an old grumpy man feel like an excitable 12 year old at various points in the past few years.

Friday 18 February 2011

Gray & Keys Versus The XX

Like hundreds of other radio shows, blogs, newspaper comment columns, and pub conversations, I want to talk about Richard Keys and Andy Gray.
Now, I’m a football fan and I’ve heard these two present football TV shows for over 15 years now. At first I really rated Andy Gray as a pundit, because, initially, he was passionate and not afraid to ruffle some feathers by giving an opinion. For those of you who don’t really follow football, you may assume that all football pundits are there to give an opinion. But, surprisingly, few of them do. Most trot out banal straightforward reactions to what they see on the screen, along the lines of “He smashed the ball into the roof of the net” or ”He just beat the offside trap, but hit it straight at the keeper”. Describing the action, without giving an opinion. This makes sense on the radio where you need to paint a picture of what is happening, but on television, we can see for ourselves.
But, over the years, as Andy Gray and Sky became part of the furniture, there became less opinion. He got to know the players, feel part of the establishment and spent less of his time criticising players when needed. This was reserved for foreign players, new to the league but who had yet to become his friend. He was also increasingly anti Liverpool – my team – in later years, but we’ll pass that by for now.
Richard Keys on the other hand, although a proficient presenter, irked me with his lack of football knowledge, inability to go off script, and yes, his obvious smugness.
So, seeing as I’d never liked Keys and had gone off Gray in a big way, should I have been delighted that they got sacked over sexist comments made the other week?
In a way I was. Being a sport loving chap, you can often find yourself cringing at other sports fans. In the eighties you’d hear crude racist abuse every now and then, and would die a little inside. Part of the appeal in sport is feeling a bond with other supporters of your “team” and hearing that they had the opposite views to you, well, you’d dislike someone with those views anyway, but when they were a fellow supporter, it just made you even sadder.
Thankfully I haven’t heard anything racist at a football game for many years, and the last time I did watching Liverpool at Anfield, some fans got the miscreants thrown out.
Sexist views however still persist. Not just in football, or in sport, but sadly in society. And obviously not just the British fall foul of this, in fact I’d consider we’re actually moving in the right direction quicker than, say, some of our European cousins.
But you still hear it, “you woman” often used as a term of abuse, chucked at a player considered not to be performing to the standard expected. And, reading about this furore on a couple of football forums I use, there is still a sizeable proportion of football followers who think Gray and Keys spoke the truth, that women have no place in officiating at a game of football. Hell, some of them think women shouldn’t even watch it, as they just don’t understand.
Antediluvian views obviously, and the part of me that hates reading these opinions, or hearing them at a game, was delighted that Keys and Gray were pulled up on this.
However, there are two main things about this that bother me.
Keys and Gray were wrong, serial offenders apparently, but should they have been instantly dismissed like this? The press reporting on this has bordered on hypocrisy and has tipped into being extreme in its reaction. Countless columns in newspapers have made out that The Sky Two are horrendous human beings for ruining the career of the assistant referee, Sian Massey, yet by writing this, and printing pictures of Massey in her private life, they have done a hundred times more harm. Massey has been forced to withdraw from two games because of the reaction of the press, and there must be doubts whether she’ll be able to go back to her career for a good while yet. How can she officiate at a game when there are hundreds of cameras there, looking to take a picture of either her getting something wrong, or showing the men she knows what she’s doing. Pick whichever option fits the editorial viewpoint.
Leave the woman alone, let her get on with her career. The game in question was enough to make Gray and Keys look stupid, she got a very difficult decision correct in the game, under high pressure, and one which countless male linesmen have got wrong. Indeed, Liverpool had an almost identical one at their next game, with a male linesman, which he got wrong.
The right response to what was revealed would be for Sky to fine them both, remind them that it musn’t happen again, and point out that Massey is obviously competent. And with their own eyes, they had witnessed that. The only way to get people to drop their ridiculous views, whatever they may be, is to give them evidence that they’re wrong. And Massey had done that.
But it turned into a witch hunt, engulfing all three, Gray, Keys and Massey. As usual, led by a ridiculous press, the reaction had become hysterical. The threat of others being dragged in grew day after day. And this leads to my second objection with this story.
In a misguided attempt at an apology – though not as misguided as everyone in the press, including the Guardian, would have you believe – Keys complained on radio of dark forces at work.
He was ridiculed a bit for this. But there is some truth there.
These weren’t broadcast opinions that Keys and Gray had been sacked for. They were private ones. Not for public consumption. But somebody, with an agenda, leaked them. And then we got several other clips leaked on youtube, of other indiscretions. It’s hard to be completely sure, but, by looking at the games involved, I think these clips spanned at least a couple of seasons.
Somebody had been collecting these clips, all, again, never broadcast, to be used when whoever was doing this, wanted maximum impact.
Who has been doing this? Who has been trawling through thousands of off-air clips of two football presenters looking for evidence against them? It has to be someone at Sky, a disgruntled co-worker who took against them for what they were doing. And does this have anything to do with Andy Gray threatening to sue News International, because one of their papers The News Of The World, bugged his phone? He, indirectly, threatened legal action against his employer, and two weeks later some clips surface? I’m not saying this is what happened, but it’s a rumour doing the rounds.
So Keys, in a way, is right about dark forces. There has been a stitch-up here.
How many of those rejoicing in two rich men being sacked, can honestly say that they’ve never, ever said anything offensive or abusive in private? I can give you the answer to that. None of them.
Everyone says things in private amongst friends that they’d never say out loud. Hell, everyone thinks nutty and offensive things in their heads, even though we don’t agree with our own thought processes. The number of ridiculously offensive things I’ve said in private to friends, just to get them to laugh, if regurgitated in public, and without any context, would lose me my job, all my friends, and probably see me end up in prison.
This is not to defend Gray and Keys, they obviously hold archaic and offensive views of women in sport. But they said their view in private, either to mock a fellow presenter, as a terrible attempt at flirting, or because they stupidly hadn’t realised women are actually competent at things nowadays. Some of them can even drive!
The film Minority Report feels eerily prescient, a future where everyone is tried and convicted for thought crimes. Where we can lose our jobs, our dignity and even our freedoms by what we do in private.
Hacking private phones, being sacked for saying something to a friend, this is a scary and dangerous road we’re heading down here and I don’t want to be a part of it. Because what it leads to is a world where we’re tried on our private persona, one which we don’t present to the world, and one which is obviously flawed. None of use is perfect and knowing that what we say and do in private can be used out of context by people with an ulterior motive against us, is scary bejesus.

Records Of The Year 2010

And for 2010 (backwards this time)...

10. Beach House – Teen Dream
9. Stornoway – Beachcomber’s Window
8. Belle & Sebastian – Write About Love
7. Hot Chip – One Life Stand
6. Manic Street Preachers – Postcards From A Young Man
5. Lightspeed Champion – Life Is Sweet! Nice To Meet You
4. Liars - Sisterworld
3. Yeasayer – Odd Blood
2. The National – High Violet
1. Midlake – The Courage Of Others

Records Of The Year 2009

I wrote this at the end of 2009 and never posted it

Another year when there hasn’t been any music that has blown my pants off. Why aren’t my pants being blown off anymore? Am I going off music or something? 2005 and 2006 were great years for music, this year just hasn’t removed my trousers. 1999 was like that. Maybe it’s just years ending in a 9.
Anyway, there are some records that I’ve enjoyed greatly. So here they are in my top 10 records of 2009.

1. Fuck Buttons – Tarot Sport

Bleep, beep, boop. I’ve been listening to this a lot in the past couple of months. I find it mesmerising. These aren’t going to be long reviews you know, I’m knocking this up in my last 30 minutes of work before breaking for Chrimble.

2. Howling Bells – Radio Wars

Have you noticed that melodic indie/pop seems to be creeping quite high in these recent lists?

3. Camera Obscura – My Maudlin Career

I was disappointed at first because it wasn’t as immediately awesome as Let’s Get Out Of This Country. But when I stopped comparing it to its predecessor I realised how good it was. Seeing Camera Obscura live was also my live music highlight of 2009.

4. Decemberists – Hazards Of Love

Ha, love it or hate it? I probably know more who fall into the latter camp. Me? Well, I really like it.

5. St Vincent – Actor

This is ace.

6. The Horrors – Primary Colours

There are a lot of confused people wandering around trying to work out why The Horrors’ album is so good.

7. The Duckworth Lewis Method – s/t

A concept album about cricket? With Neil Hannon? What’s not to like?

8. Jamie T – Kings & Queens

Yes, really!

9. Oneida – Rated O

Onedia should be number 1. Why aren’t they number 1? Because my brain didn’t like it as much as I thought it should.

10. Grizzly Bear – Veckatimest

A grower, not a show-er.

Honourable Mentions

Noah & the Whale – The First Days Of Spring

Lovely folk miserableness.

Florence & The Machine – Lungs

Hannah’s idol

Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavillion

Hitty. Missy. Not as good as previous works.

Blog 2

Hello.
It's been about 18 months since I last blogged. I stopped for several reasons: I was too busy doing other things, I felt I didn't really having anything to write about, and, most importantly, blogger was banned at work. Work was always the place where I had blogged most, as it's something I'd rather get paid for doing. There are other entertainments at home you see, I didn't want to waste precious evenings failing to be witty in some self-righteous blog.
But blogger isn't banned anymore. I'm not sure why, I guess the arse fell out of blogging and with less people doing it, it was seen as less of a threat to business.
Also, I'm writing things more.
I usually sketch out some rough notes for things I talk about on the radio, but sometimes I broadcast what I write down pretty much verbatim. With a bit of tweaking I could put these rants up on here, as a record of proof as to why listening figures have been dropping off lately.
Thirdly, in the reasons for writing in here again, I'm reading a lot. Reading as much as I am at the minute appears to stir a need in me to write things of my own, be it record reviews, features for the radio, or long-winded emails to workmates in which I outline where the world is going wrong.
So, let's see what happens if I start this nonsense up again. I already have a few things prepared as you'll see if you read on...up...whatever...